The whole truth...

...and nothing but.

I fell off the face of the earth blog-wise.

And I'm gonna be honest, here and now, and tell you why.

A LOT has happened in the last year, that I literally couldn't talk about in a public forum for a while. And I really like blogging because it gives me a good outlet for writing about what's ACTUALLY going on in my life. 

(I don't make this ish up y'all)

So needless to say, when a few major things came up, and I legally couldn't talk about them, well it seemed weird to write about things that didn't matter.

And after these incidents, I went through some rough periods of no cooking, not working out, just straight up confusion you guys. 

Who the heck wants to hear someone ramble on out something 
that has nothing to do with their blog?

(did that make any sense? meh.)

But a year has passed and now I can finally talk/write about things! 

Can I get an AMEN?!

So if you've seen me in the past year, (maybe year and a quarter if I'm getting technical) and we've gotten to talking about serious things, you'll know that some pretty major things happened in 2012.

We got in two car accidents.

I had two miscarriages.

And because of one of those accidents and miscarriages,

 I had major surgery.

Like I almost died kinda surgery.

Not elective, or preventative surgery.

Somewhere along the lines of, 
"if we don't do surgery now you may not see tomorrow" kinda surgery.

Yeah. I know.

I'll try to break it down for you (because I know y'all are nosy and want details) without being too longwinded. But let's be frank, 
it's me we're talking about...
it's long already, amiright?

So in February of 2012, we got in a pretty bad car accident. 

Someone literally turned left INTO us.

Our van wasn't totaled, and no one was seriously injured 
(Graham had a few knee issues but other than that nothing too big),
 but we went through three months of hell working with the 
insurance companies trying to get our car fixed.

It was awful and took up so much time and mental energy.

We get our van back in May, and BAM. 

Four months to the day (June 10) we get in another car accident.

Also not our fault.

And way worse than the first accident.

We were driving about 35mph down a small road in Atlanta, and had a green light. Someone wasn't paying attention to their red light and T-boned us right in the middle of the intersection. 

OUCH.

-The person hit us in the passenger front door, and then swiped out the entire sliding door 
just from the force of us moving forward. All the glass broke and those are the airbags in the window.
This is why I swear by Honda Odyssey's!-

Again, no one seemed to be injured.

The kids were really shaken up mentally/emotionally, 
but not damaged physically. 

I started thanking my lucky stars because it could have been a WHOLE lot worse.

Well, a few weeks later it did...

For about a week I had been feeling 
really tired, really hungry, and really grumpy.

(that's a lot of really y'all)

warning: this is potentially gonna get "TMI" for the menfolk up in here

So, even though I had an IUD in, and had had it for a year 
(got it after Cora was born - I do NOT recommend them!) 

I decided to take a pregnancy test. Because these were my thoughts...

Worst case scenario: 

it's positive. not ready to have another baby, but if I find out early enough I can go ahead and get my IUD out no problem.

Best case scenario: 
it's negative. awesome.

Well, I got neither.

I took the pregnancy test and it was positive.

CRAZINESS.

But, I was surprisingly happy about it, 
called a few family members with the news 

and decided to go to sleep around 9pm. 

At about 10pm, I'm wide awake and hurting.

My whole self kinda hurt, but my shoulder was kinda bugging me the most.

So I get up and decided to take a hot shower.

After my shower, I try laying back down, and this is where it all gets hazy.

I think I took maybe 4 baths that night, all lasting about an hour each.

I was just in SO. MUCH. PAIN.

I had never miscarried myself before, but I have a couple of close friends that have and they shared with me that, for them, it was a painful process.

Since, I was in pain, but wasn't having quite the same 
symptoms that they had told me about...

 I didn't know what to think. 

I just remember trying to cope with the pain via bath, and praying. A LOT.

I talked to the baby a lot too, and I just kept asking the baby to hold on. 
It was all going to be ok.

I "woke up" (I don't know if I ever really fell into a deep sleep because of the pain) around 8am and immediately called my midwife's office. 

They congratulated me on the pregnancy, told me not to worry too much,

 and to come in at 10:45 for an appointment.

So I only had to cope with the pain for a couple more hours and then we could figure out what was going on. At this point my shoulder was KILLING me. If I reclined even the slightest bit I would literally start crying and screaming from pain. 
(this is a big hint for all you medical professional's out there!)

I called my mom to come help me and hoped it would all be over soon.

My mom came and picked me up and Graham stayed with the kids until his sister came to relieve him so he could go to work.

I started to feel really lightheaded and 
out of it on the way to the midwives office, 

but tried not to complain.

By the time my mom got us to the office building she could see I felt really bad and offered to drop me off at the entrance and go park. 
I agreed happily.

I waited in the lobby, got some really weird stares from some people, and got up when my mom walked in. Feeling VERY lightheaded.

I went up one level on the elevator and knew I couldn't make it. 

We got off the elevator, went maybe 7ft (we're 30 feet from the office) and I had to sit down or I was going to pass out.

A UPS or mailman type guy asked my mom if I was ok, 
to which she replied,
 "Apparently not!"

and he said he'd go find a wheel chair.

My mom told him where we were trying to go and asked him to get them to bring me one.

Well, he couldn't find one. 

No office on the entire floor had a wheelchair.

So walk I must.

The receptionist came out and helped me to a room (forget checking in at this point!) and called in a midwife right away.

The midwife came in and we sort of chatted 
(I was sitting up this whole time),
 I told her I was hurting a lot, but had not had any bleeding 
and I didn't know what was going on.

She told me to lie down so she could check me.

That's when I blacked out.

I remember the pain in my shoulder being so bad that I couldn't handle it anymore. My body did what our bodies are designed to do in that much pain, 
shut. down.

When I came to, my mom was frantic and the midwife was obviously flustered,  but trying to keep it together. 
She told me that she thought I had a tubal pregnancy
 and it was rupturing. 

They needed to get me to the Emergency Room. FAST.

But since they didn't have any wheelchairs they had to roll me in an office chair.

Yup, you read that right...an office chair.

And it wasn't just down the hall either.

The emergency room is across the street!

Even when I was in pain, and knew this could end pretty badly, 
I couldn't help but think to myself,

"I'm being rolled across the street in Atlanta traffic to the ER in an office chair. 

My life is a freaking sitcom."

Thankfully, the midwife had called my OBGYN (who I am obsessed with and LOVE) and updated him on what was happening and told him to meet me in the ER.

I am SUPER grateful she did because I was not a fan of the ER doc on call.

He kept asking me to lie down.

Um, no.

They did an ultrasound on my belly and said there was so much fluid 

they couldn't see what was wrong. GREAT.

This is all a little hazy too, but somewhere in there my mom called Graham 
and he met me at the ER. 

So he's there, I'm hurting, and my mom is kinda freaking out.

Dr. Bootstaylor/my knight in shining armor OBGYN comes in to take a quick look at the ultrasound and tells me that he's just going to have to go in blind. 

Obviously this much fluid means SOMETHING is wrong and has to be fixed, he just doesn't know how much yet.

I consent and they take me upstairs to prep for surgery.

At the moment where Graham and I have to part ways I almost lose it.

I realize that this could potentially be the last time I see him, and him me. And I want to just break down right there. But I know I shouldn't and we don't have time so I tell him I love him and muster as much energy as I have to let him feel how much I love him.

Then they roll me away.

It's worse than they make it seem on Grey's Anatomy, y'all. 

FOR SERIOUS.

So I'm in pre-op and a nurse comes to ask me a couple of questions, and all I really remember is no one has a pen. And no one can find any pens.

So I make a joke about selling pens for hundreds of dollars on the pre-op black market and make myself feel better for a moment, 
and the nurses all laugh.

Then the nurse who's specifically working on me asks if I'm in a lot of pain, to which I reply with a resounding YES!

So she gives me some meds and I pass out again because I have to be reclined. 

I don't remember going into the operating room.

I don't remember going under anesthesia.

I didn't see any nurses or Dr. Bootstaylor before we began.

I woke up in a recovery room and have no idea what's just happened.

And I honestly don't remember what happens 
until I see my mom and Graham.

They've briefly talked to Dr. Bootstaylor and they know the the surgery went well. That's it.

So when Dr. Bootstaylor comes in we all learn this news together:

I had an ectopic pregnancy.

It burst in my right fallopian tube.

He was not able to repair it so he 
had to resect it.

Resect means to take it out completely.

Everything else is still in tact.

But I've lost about 2 liters of blood.

Yikes.

He goes on to say that had if I had waited any longer, 

I could have potentially not made it to the ER in time. 

And given he knows my history he could put the puzzle 
together much faster than another doctor 

so it's amazing that I went to the midwives office first. 

WOW. 

All I can think of is how awful I feel. Physically and emotionally.

He went into my abdomen via my previous c-section scar so I feel like I have just had another c-section after having a successful VBAC and have no baby to show for it.

Plus I cannot seem to stay awake. 

I've lost so much blood I feel like I'm practically dead.

For the next day or so I hung out in the hospital bed and felt puny.

I slept A LOT.

I could hear people in the room and KNEW that I should wake up and talk to them and be responsive,

but I literally didn't have the energy for it. 

So finally, Dr. Bootstaylor tells me that he thinks I need a blood transfusion.

I haven't made enough blood in the last two days and I've lost so much that there's really no way around it. So I comply and hope this is the answer.

Sweet baby Jesus, it is. 

They ended up giving me four bags of blood. 

FOUR.

That's a lot of blood.

And with each bag I feel ridiculously better.

I felt so great I even start to make vampire jokes.

That's the point Graham says he knew I was going to be ok ;)

So after about a day and a half of receiving my first bag...
I finally get to go home.

(In the meantime while I was in the hospital, Graham continued to work AND buy us a new van! Ours was totaled and we got our insurance check and the rental was expiring all in this SAME week. Ahh!)

So for the next six weeks I recover from surgery scars. 

Slowly.

And for the next six months, I slowly start to create more blood. 

I'm always tired, and cold, and tired.

Blah...

--------------------------

This has definitely gotten long and seriously, I'm only just beginning so I'm gonna hit the TBC button...

Thanks for letting me get this all out...so far. :)

xoxo,
Heather