Oh, the places you'll go!

There were many reasons that the hubs and I decided to start our family while we were still very young...

a few of them being:

1. We got married young, so we felt we had had an adequate amount of time together just the two of us.

2. I liked the idea of being a "young mom".

3. The sooner you start the sooner they're gone. ;)

An "empty nest" in my forties was much more appealing than an 

"empty nest" in my fifties. 

*I put empty nest in quotes knowing that at least one of my children will stick around for a while, or come back to live with us at some point. PLUS, it's not like we ever stop parenting right? 

We just get to have a little more freedom once they're older :)

4. My kids will get to enjoy their grandparents for much longer. Also, if for some reason we need a grandparent to live with us or they need more personal care as they get older, we will have the space and time to do that for them since our children will be older as well. 

But, one of the biggest reasons I wanted to have my family sooner rather than later was for travel.

You see, when it comes to traveling I'm kind of a...snob.

My parents have been very blessed and I was raised taking awesome vacations and staying in amazing hotels and basically spoiled 
(in a good way!) 
when it comes to traveling. 

Now don't get me wrong, my parents didn't raise me to be a bratty girl who only likes the finer things in life. I buy second hand stuff for my kids, I love thrift shopping for my own clothes, and amazon is my best friend. But the one thing I've had a hard time letting go of, is the fancy travel perks.

So needless to say, traveling across Europe with practically no money and staying in hostels or cheap motels just didn't appeal to me in my twenties. But, traveling the world and staying in nice hotels with my husband who I love very much, in my forties? 

Now that sounds nice!

Trip to Italy? Ok let's buy a few cases of the best wine.

Ireland? Let's hit every single pub and drink the best beer.

Iceland? Greece? Austrailia? 

You name it, we can do it. 

And we'll preferably do it comfortably! :)

Now you may be judging me at this point, but to be honest...

I don't care. To each their own right?

Even though these amazing trips aren't going to happen for years I still dream about it.

I have a pinterest board named "oh, the places you'll go" with all sorts of breathtaking images pinned. 

Here is just a sampling of the beautiful places I'd love to visit:

Ireland

Bridges Park

 

Cliffs of Moher

Downtown Dublin

The Oldest Pub in Dublin

Greece

Santorini, Greece

Papafragas, Milos, Greece

Blue Beaches, Zakynthos Island

You can also check out the 100 most beautiful images of Greece here. 

Italy

Hillside Positano, Italy

China

I have actually been to China before, but didn't get to see too much.

Plus, I would love to go back with the hubs to re-experience it.

The Bridge of Immortals

Heaven's Stairs

I would also love to go to New Zealand, Austrailia, Bora Bora, Austria, Iceland, Fiji...

the list goes on and on!

Hopefully, we'll be able to go on some trips with our kids when they are older as well.
I'm sure they'd love to travel with us too, 
but I try not to get my hopes up too high...
accommodations for six is a bit more costly than two :)

Where have you traveled that you loved?

What's your dream trip?

I love looking at the travel section on pinterest...

it's just all so beautiful!

We'll get there one day...

xoxo,

Heather 

Part two of a very long saga.

Last we left off, I had just had major surgery and was slowly recovering...

Now I don't know about you, but for me, when the
 "I'm pregnant" switch goes off in my brain...

it's very hard to turn off.

So all of August, September, and October were constant thoughts of getting pregnant again.
Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds.

I  was actually at peace with what had happened with the miscarriage and knew that between the car accident and IUD, and all that jazz, 
it was just a fluke. Right?

I mean I wasn't happy about it by any means,

but I also didn't feel like it was going to happen again. 

I thought it was a one time deal.

I mean come on...guys...this is me we're talking about here.

I always get pregnant.

And stay pregnant.

And have millions of babies.

(millions being relative obvi.)

So, when the begininning of November came around and I had those symptoms I know all too well,

I was SUPER excited. 

Now even though I was confident about this, one of the worst parts of miscarriage is having to tell people you are, in fact, not pregnant anymore.

Reliving it just isn't fun. As I'm sure you can imagine.

So, I decided to tell a few people and wait as long as possible to tell the rest of the world.

Well, a couple of weeks go by, and my wonderful...amazing...sweetness of a husband, being the awesome father he is, tells...facebook. 

"I was just too excited to hold it in any longer!", he tells me.

I was a little bit upset, because you never know,
 but figure whatevs and move on.

Well, about a week later it all goes to shit.

Pardon my french here, 
but I honestly don't know how else to say it.

I start having the majority of the symptoms of miscarriage, 

except for abdominal pain.
Which is exactly the opposite from last time.

So of course, I keep my hopes up, praying that everything else is just weird side effects from having another baby so close to my surgery.

We go in for an ultrasound a couple of days later 
and there it is.

Clear as day on the monitor.

Emptiness.

Nothing.

No baby.

I'm heartbroken.

I held it together in the office pretty well, 

but mentally I was downward spiraling fast.

Real fast.

The rest of November and all of December was a blur...

I did things.

Had fun.

"Merry Christmas!", blah blah blah.

But I had a really hard time coping with my thoughts and emotions when I was alone.

So I read books.

A lot of books.

And basically escaped my reality as much as possible. 

By this time, 
(after losing two babies) 
I am really jonesing for a baby.
(I know, that sounds weird, move along)

So by January 1st I make a decision.

I'm going to take 3 months, get super healthy, 
and then get pregnant again.

And hopefully this one sticks.

So I am doing paleo and crossfit super hard for about 3 1/2 weeks, 
and then it hits me.

Those same. damn. symptoms.

I'm pregnant.

And I know it. 
I take a pregnancy test out of habit, but I didn't need to.

It wasn't supposed to happen this fast!

I am convinced this is going to turn out badly.

This time I tell a couple of people and vow them all to silence.

I cannot go through this again.

Get pregnant, get my hopes up, tell everyone, 
miscarry, have to re-tell everyone.

Cannot.

So for 18 weeks I worry, and am anxious, and just cannot believe I'm still pregnant.

I just know it's going to end at any moment.

And at my 18 week appointment, I'm almost right.

I walk in like normal, check in like normal,
pee in the cup and weigh in like normal.

I even chat with the midwife and measure. like. normal.

Then she goes in with the doppler to hear the heartbeat.

waiting...waiting...waiting.

Static.

And right then and there I know.
This isn't good.
Don't lose it, don't lose it.

She leaves to get another doppler.
Nothing.

She tracks down a third doppler.
Still nothing.

By this time I can't hold it in anymore.
I'm crying.

She goes on to tell me we need to go to Dr. Bootstaylor's office for an ultrasound just to check on everything,
but "I'm sure it's fine."
Yeah...fine. Right.

But I don't feel like I need to know anything.
I'm sure it's not fine.
I feel like this is all just cruel and unusual punishment.
Am I being punk'd? 
Am I gonna get to meet Ashton?
Can I punch him in his manparts?
Seriously?!

In the hallway, I'm trying to rationalize,
but deep down I'm not confident at all.

Anjli, the midwife who attended Cora's birth,
meets me in the hallway and has clearly 
been briefed on what just happened.
She tells me to not worry until we 
have something to worry about.
Good advice.
I try to tell her I haven't had any symptoms of miscarriage.
She says that's a good sign, but sometimes it can take up to a month to see the signs this late in the pregnancy.
Ok. I appreciate the honesty. I welcome it even.

She offers to use the crappy ultrasound monitor they have in the office, but assures me that it could potentially also be wrong. She tells me that we can do that or wait for the ultrasound at Dr. Bootstaylor's office.

Again, I appreciate the honesty. She's not making any guarantees while still supporting me. 
Exactly what a mother needs. Or at least this mother did.

Now as a little backstory/side note...
My good friend Kellie had just shared this video, (Brene Brown at a Ted Talk Conference) with me a few days before and I loved it.
I had been contemplating how I could live life with more vulnerability, 
like she talks about,
 and all of a sudden it pops into my head.

We found out that the next available ultrasound appointment wasn't until 1:30pm...it was 11:15am. 

So I'm faced with a decision.
Do I take the crappy ultrasound and commit to, 
more than likely, feeling worse?...
or do I choose vulnerability?
Do I choose to just take what I have and be content with it.
I am worthy of a baby. 
Whether it's this baby or the next, I. am. worthy. 
Worrying about it for the next two hours 
isn't going to change that.
Or do I start that downward spiral? Again.

Luckily, I chose vulnerability.
I shaped up and walked out without the crappy ultrasound.

We went to lunch, like normal.
I acted like normal.
And I didn't cry, like a normal person does on a normal day.
I even ate a normal, healthy lunch 
instead of taking my emotions out on food.
(which I often do, unfortunately)

Two hours pass by and we're in the waiting 
area of Dr. Bootstaylor's office.
I'm holding it together kind of and 
am pretty nervous at this point.

We get called back and I lay down,
telling myself over and over,
"It's going to look empty, just like last time.
Don't freak out."

And then there it was.

A baby.

I still held my breath at this point because even though I could see the baby, the ultrasound technician hadn't turned the sound on.
Then she flipped a switch and there it was.
A heart beat.

A healthy, living, thriving baby.

I burst into tears at this point and 
nearly scared the ultrasound tech to death.

She immediately apologized and said she didn't realize I was so worried! 
She said, "I would have turned the sound on right away!"

So much for being calm, cool and collected!

So then she asks if we want to find out the gender of this amazingly alive child and of course I do!

After a bit of searching we come to find out that this baby is 
A C T I V E.

Which would explain why the doppler wasn't picking up the heartbeat. The baby was moving so much that it was literally too hard to catch him.

This makes a me little worried for toddler years, but hey, too much movement is always better than none at all! 

To no surprise at all we find out it's a boy!

We expected this all along, but it's still fun to find out right?

Next we meet with the man himself, Dr. Bootstaylor.
He congratulates us, assures me there is nothing wrong and that his high level of activity was the only problem with finding the heartbeat.

We have a nice chat about babies and vbacs and how we still have nothing to worry about and then he sends us on our way.

Then...we have junk food to celebrate :)

It was a reward for not stuffing my face when I was sad.
That's legit right?

Anyway, later that week we finally decide to tell the rest of the world...


Now I'm not gonna lie, put on a happy face and say I haven't worried ever again since that day.
I worry all the time.
I think that's just what happens after you miscarry.
It's not all-consuming, but it's there.
I'm definitely more cautious this go round and often think about 
"worst case scenario's".
I will not be satisfied until he's healthy, in my arms, 
all ten fingers and toes accounted for.

And I don't think that's a bad thing.
I think things for me could emotionally and mentally be a lot worse. 
So I'm gonna take this one as a win.

I'm also not going to say this has been easy physically.
Boy oh boy, has this been rough.

My body went through a lot and since my body was still trying to literally make more blood when I got pregnant I have had a lot of issues....

No energy. 
(more than normal pregnancy no energy)
Headaches from increased blood flow.
Vitamin D problems. 
(which may or may not be from the surgery, who knows)

But I'm taking it day by day and eagerly await the arrival of 
a healthy baby boy.

Mack Aaron Lutz,
I love you.
I grow to love you more everyday.
And I can't wait to keep loving you 
everyday for the rest of my life. 


-------

Phew! Now that I got all that off my chest...I will now return you to my regularly scheduled blogging. :)

Workouts and recipes and motherhood and music...
I'll still throw in some "nitty gritty" keepin' it real stuff like this, but I think we've had enough for the past few days, dontchathink? 


xoxo,
Heather

The whole truth...

...and nothing but.

I fell off the face of the earth blog-wise.

And I'm gonna be honest, here and now, and tell you why.

A LOT has happened in the last year, that I literally couldn't talk about in a public forum for a while. And I really like blogging because it gives me a good outlet for writing about what's ACTUALLY going on in my life. 

(I don't make this ish up y'all)

So needless to say, when a few major things came up, and I legally couldn't talk about them, well it seemed weird to write about things that didn't matter.

And after these incidents, I went through some rough periods of no cooking, not working out, just straight up confusion you guys. 

Who the heck wants to hear someone ramble on out something 
that has nothing to do with their blog?

(did that make any sense? meh.)

But a year has passed and now I can finally talk/write about things! 

Can I get an AMEN?!

So if you've seen me in the past year, (maybe year and a quarter if I'm getting technical) and we've gotten to talking about serious things, you'll know that some pretty major things happened in 2012.

We got in two car accidents.

I had two miscarriages.

And because of one of those accidents and miscarriages,

 I had major surgery.

Like I almost died kinda surgery.

Not elective, or preventative surgery.

Somewhere along the lines of, 
"if we don't do surgery now you may not see tomorrow" kinda surgery.

Yeah. I know.

I'll try to break it down for you (because I know y'all are nosy and want details) without being too longwinded. But let's be frank, 
it's me we're talking about...
it's long already, amiright?

So in February of 2012, we got in a pretty bad car accident. 

Someone literally turned left INTO us.

Our van wasn't totaled, and no one was seriously injured 
(Graham had a few knee issues but other than that nothing too big),
 but we went through three months of hell working with the 
insurance companies trying to get our car fixed.

It was awful and took up so much time and mental energy.

We get our van back in May, and BAM. 

Four months to the day (June 10) we get in another car accident.

Also not our fault.

And way worse than the first accident.

We were driving about 35mph down a small road in Atlanta, and had a green light. Someone wasn't paying attention to their red light and T-boned us right in the middle of the intersection. 

OUCH.

-The person hit us in the passenger front door, and then swiped out the entire sliding door 
just from the force of us moving forward. All the glass broke and those are the airbags in the window.
This is why I swear by Honda Odyssey's!-

Again, no one seemed to be injured.

The kids were really shaken up mentally/emotionally, 
but not damaged physically. 

I started thanking my lucky stars because it could have been a WHOLE lot worse.

Well, a few weeks later it did...

For about a week I had been feeling 
really tired, really hungry, and really grumpy.

(that's a lot of really y'all)

warning: this is potentially gonna get "TMI" for the menfolk up in here

So, even though I had an IUD in, and had had it for a year 
(got it after Cora was born - I do NOT recommend them!) 

I decided to take a pregnancy test. Because these were my thoughts...

Worst case scenario: 

it's positive. not ready to have another baby, but if I find out early enough I can go ahead and get my IUD out no problem.

Best case scenario: 
it's negative. awesome.

Well, I got neither.

I took the pregnancy test and it was positive.

CRAZINESS.

But, I was surprisingly happy about it, 
called a few family members with the news 

and decided to go to sleep around 9pm. 

At about 10pm, I'm wide awake and hurting.

My whole self kinda hurt, but my shoulder was kinda bugging me the most.

So I get up and decided to take a hot shower.

After my shower, I try laying back down, and this is where it all gets hazy.

I think I took maybe 4 baths that night, all lasting about an hour each.

I was just in SO. MUCH. PAIN.

I had never miscarried myself before, but I have a couple of close friends that have and they shared with me that, for them, it was a painful process.

Since, I was in pain, but wasn't having quite the same 
symptoms that they had told me about...

 I didn't know what to think. 

I just remember trying to cope with the pain via bath, and praying. A LOT.

I talked to the baby a lot too, and I just kept asking the baby to hold on. 
It was all going to be ok.

I "woke up" (I don't know if I ever really fell into a deep sleep because of the pain) around 8am and immediately called my midwife's office. 

They congratulated me on the pregnancy, told me not to worry too much,

 and to come in at 10:45 for an appointment.

So I only had to cope with the pain for a couple more hours and then we could figure out what was going on. At this point my shoulder was KILLING me. If I reclined even the slightest bit I would literally start crying and screaming from pain. 
(this is a big hint for all you medical professional's out there!)

I called my mom to come help me and hoped it would all be over soon.

My mom came and picked me up and Graham stayed with the kids until his sister came to relieve him so he could go to work.

I started to feel really lightheaded and 
out of it on the way to the midwives office, 

but tried not to complain.

By the time my mom got us to the office building she could see I felt really bad and offered to drop me off at the entrance and go park. 
I agreed happily.

I waited in the lobby, got some really weird stares from some people, and got up when my mom walked in. Feeling VERY lightheaded.

I went up one level on the elevator and knew I couldn't make it. 

We got off the elevator, went maybe 7ft (we're 30 feet from the office) and I had to sit down or I was going to pass out.

A UPS or mailman type guy asked my mom if I was ok, 
to which she replied,
 "Apparently not!"

and he said he'd go find a wheel chair.

My mom told him where we were trying to go and asked him to get them to bring me one.

Well, he couldn't find one. 

No office on the entire floor had a wheelchair.

So walk I must.

The receptionist came out and helped me to a room (forget checking in at this point!) and called in a midwife right away.

The midwife came in and we sort of chatted 
(I was sitting up this whole time),
 I told her I was hurting a lot, but had not had any bleeding 
and I didn't know what was going on.

She told me to lie down so she could check me.

That's when I blacked out.

I remember the pain in my shoulder being so bad that I couldn't handle it anymore. My body did what our bodies are designed to do in that much pain, 
shut. down.

When I came to, my mom was frantic and the midwife was obviously flustered,  but trying to keep it together. 
She told me that she thought I had a tubal pregnancy
 and it was rupturing. 

They needed to get me to the Emergency Room. FAST.

But since they didn't have any wheelchairs they had to roll me in an office chair.

Yup, you read that right...an office chair.

And it wasn't just down the hall either.

The emergency room is across the street!

Even when I was in pain, and knew this could end pretty badly, 
I couldn't help but think to myself,

"I'm being rolled across the street in Atlanta traffic to the ER in an office chair. 

My life is a freaking sitcom."

Thankfully, the midwife had called my OBGYN (who I am obsessed with and LOVE) and updated him on what was happening and told him to meet me in the ER.

I am SUPER grateful she did because I was not a fan of the ER doc on call.

He kept asking me to lie down.

Um, no.

They did an ultrasound on my belly and said there was so much fluid 

they couldn't see what was wrong. GREAT.

This is all a little hazy too, but somewhere in there my mom called Graham 
and he met me at the ER. 

So he's there, I'm hurting, and my mom is kinda freaking out.

Dr. Bootstaylor/my knight in shining armor OBGYN comes in to take a quick look at the ultrasound and tells me that he's just going to have to go in blind. 

Obviously this much fluid means SOMETHING is wrong and has to be fixed, he just doesn't know how much yet.

I consent and they take me upstairs to prep for surgery.

At the moment where Graham and I have to part ways I almost lose it.

I realize that this could potentially be the last time I see him, and him me. And I want to just break down right there. But I know I shouldn't and we don't have time so I tell him I love him and muster as much energy as I have to let him feel how much I love him.

Then they roll me away.

It's worse than they make it seem on Grey's Anatomy, y'all. 

FOR SERIOUS.

So I'm in pre-op and a nurse comes to ask me a couple of questions, and all I really remember is no one has a pen. And no one can find any pens.

So I make a joke about selling pens for hundreds of dollars on the pre-op black market and make myself feel better for a moment, 
and the nurses all laugh.

Then the nurse who's specifically working on me asks if I'm in a lot of pain, to which I reply with a resounding YES!

So she gives me some meds and I pass out again because I have to be reclined. 

I don't remember going into the operating room.

I don't remember going under anesthesia.

I didn't see any nurses or Dr. Bootstaylor before we began.

I woke up in a recovery room and have no idea what's just happened.

And I honestly don't remember what happens 
until I see my mom and Graham.

They've briefly talked to Dr. Bootstaylor and they know the the surgery went well. That's it.

So when Dr. Bootstaylor comes in we all learn this news together:

I had an ectopic pregnancy.

It burst in my right fallopian tube.

He was not able to repair it so he 
had to resect it.

Resect means to take it out completely.

Everything else is still in tact.

But I've lost about 2 liters of blood.

Yikes.

He goes on to say that had if I had waited any longer, 

I could have potentially not made it to the ER in time. 

And given he knows my history he could put the puzzle 
together much faster than another doctor 

so it's amazing that I went to the midwives office first. 

WOW. 

All I can think of is how awful I feel. Physically and emotionally.

He went into my abdomen via my previous c-section scar so I feel like I have just had another c-section after having a successful VBAC and have no baby to show for it.

Plus I cannot seem to stay awake. 

I've lost so much blood I feel like I'm practically dead.

For the next day or so I hung out in the hospital bed and felt puny.

I slept A LOT.

I could hear people in the room and KNEW that I should wake up and talk to them and be responsive,

but I literally didn't have the energy for it. 

So finally, Dr. Bootstaylor tells me that he thinks I need a blood transfusion.

I haven't made enough blood in the last two days and I've lost so much that there's really no way around it. So I comply and hope this is the answer.

Sweet baby Jesus, it is. 

They ended up giving me four bags of blood. 

FOUR.

That's a lot of blood.

And with each bag I feel ridiculously better.

I felt so great I even start to make vampire jokes.

That's the point Graham says he knew I was going to be ok ;)

So after about a day and a half of receiving my first bag...
I finally get to go home.

(In the meantime while I was in the hospital, Graham continued to work AND buy us a new van! Ours was totaled and we got our insurance check and the rental was expiring all in this SAME week. Ahh!)

So for the next six weeks I recover from surgery scars. 

Slowly.

And for the next six months, I slowly start to create more blood. 

I'm always tired, and cold, and tired.

Blah...

--------------------------

This has definitely gotten long and seriously, I'm only just beginning so I'm gonna hit the TBC button...

Thanks for letting me get this all out...so far. :)

xoxo,
Heather