Mack: a birth story.

So I'm not gonna lie. 

I've been avoiding writing this. 

Weird, I know. But here's the deal...

a lot of things changed in the last few days before Mack was born and I struggled with the decision to share all of this or not. (not that there are tons of people who read this, but ya put something on the internet, 

you can't take it back.)

I kind of did exactly what I tell people to avoid all the time.

Last I wrote, we were scheduled for a c-section because Mack was breech and I just wasn't in it mentally to deliver vaginally that way. Well...a week before my c-section he went head down. Which usually is awesome and wonderful and unicorns and rainbows 

all wrapped up in a beautiful package. 

Except...I still wasn't in it mentally. 

I just was not confident in a) him staying head down and b) my ability to labor and deliver without my constant fear of something going wrong. 

I was still worried about the cord and where it was floating around in there, plus I just wasn't convinced he was going to stay down. So I decided to go ahead with the c-section no matter what. 

I had a good talk with him about five days before and told him if he wanted to come out on his own he'd have to do it now because otherwise this was happening.

Two days later he went back into transverse position (sideways) for a while and then plopped back down again.

That is when I knew I was making

 the right decision for myself. 

So Friday morning, we got up early.

5am kind of early. 

My surgery was scheduled for 8am so we had to be there two hours before. 

I'll be honest...walking into the hospital not in labor was super weird. It felt so surreal, but looking back I kind of enjoyed how peaceful everything was. 

I was again sort of weirded out while they checked me in...hooked me up to the monitor to check and make sure baby was ok...all the while I'm just laying there...

not having any contractions. 

Then Dr. Bootstaylor came in...we chatted for a few minutes, did some paperwork, and then he said it was time. 

And I got to walk myself to the Operating Room. 

Talk about crazytown. 

So they wouldn't let Graham or Madeline in there while I was getting my spinal block, so I had my midwife, Deena, on one side and Dr. Bootstaylor on the other. 

As I was waiting, they had an intern/student helping with my spinal block, I think Deena could sense I was sort of freaking out. All of a sudden I had a split second of second guessing myself. It was just all so "unnatural". But she jumped in and started to small talk with me and we all just sat there quietly talking for a few minutes. 

I just kept telling myself, 

"different doesn't always mean bad."

Because it's true. 

This was a VERY different experience from my previous labors/deliveries...but that doesn't make it bad.

I can't imagine how long and tiring and painful my labor would have been if I had constantly been worried about something going wrong. 

--Labor is almost more mental than it is physical. Which is one big reason why I think so many more women are capable of natural child birth than they give themselves credit for.

I think so many women could deliver naturally if they had more people telling them that they were strong and could do it, rather than what will go wrong or how they are incapable.--

I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted my baby in my arms the moment he was born and not a minute after. 

I was so worried that if I ended up with another emergency c-section I was risking giving that up. 

So, we got the spinal in and they laid me back and started prepping. This is when I started to get really excited.

I was going to be meeting my baby any minute now!

And everyone was being so nice.

Like, unbelievably nice! 

I think we were all just so calm and excited to meet a really cute baby ;)

There was lots of tugging and pressure and waiting and more waiting and then all of a sudden they dropped the curtain down and I saw his foot! 

It just popped right out! haha

He handed the baby to the midwife and she walked him around to me and placed him directly on my chest.

It was amazing!!!

(I've got tears in my eyes just thinking about it again!)

We laid there for about 30 minutes before the nurse asked to take him...and I was definitely fine with it by then.

Since he didn't labor he had a lot of fluid in his lungs so he was crying a lot. 

The crying didn't really bother me, but I thought if he was going to be crying anyway might as well get the weighing and washing over with!

So the nurse went to pick him up and as soon as she pulled away from me everyone on my side of the curtain gasped!

He had pooped alllllllll over us! hahaha

I just had no idea!

I was too busy snuggling him to notice!

So they took him and weighed him and cleaned him up, while the anesthesiologist cleaned me up, and then brought him back where Graham and Madeline got some turns to hold him :) 

By this time I was starting to get tired.

I had been up so early with adrenaline pumping that I was definitely starting to crash a little bit. 

So once everything was done and sewn up they rolled me back to the 2hr recovery room where my parents and sister got to meet Mack.

It was so fun passing him around and taking pictures and talking about how lovely the whole experience was. 

The rest of the day went well and I just could not have asked for a better experience. 

It seriously went above and beyond my wildest dreams!

Now, I'm still a big supporter of natural birth and think that it's absolutely the best way to go if you are able...

but I wouldn't change Mack's birth for anything.

He did so amazing and we bonded so well 

with the family centered c-section. 

Here are some pictures taken during surgery with the go-pro and regular camera...and after in the recovery room.

Prepped and ready to go!

Graham and Madeline are anxiously waiting.

Let's do this!

HE'S HERE!

In my arms at last!

So handsome with Aunt Courtney :)

LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS, Y'ALL. 

Thanks for sticking around for such a long story...

it feels great to get all that out. 

I'm going to get back to snuggling my Mackers now :)

lately.

So, I've been in sort of a funk.

Stuck.

I feel like I've had so much going on in my brain and I've tried so many times to sit down and write that I've lost count, but it just comes out all jumbled up and rambling on.

This post might come off that way as well, but I have been feeling the urge to try and write again.

Despite my crazy, jumbly up brain.

There has definitely been a lot going on lately...

Quinn's birthday is coming up on the 11th, but we celebrated early at the lake over Labor Day Weekend.

I'm that mom who HAS to give her kids a party...but I'm just so tired and uncomfortable that the thought of planning one was exhausting. So I took the easy route and just did it up big while we were already down there with family.

I just bought generic decorations at the party store, so all I had to really put any effort into was his shirt and the cupcakes...

which were both the easiest things ever! 

High fives for me! But the best part is

I think he really enjoyed it and felt special.

He wanted a "Mike Wazowski Monster Party":)

Sibling Love :)

We have a new tradition too of going to the mall for play and lunch and going on the Merry Go 'Round for birthdays. Plus we'll let him pick where we eat dinner that night,

 (he'll most likely pick Chick-fil-a because he's original like that) 

so I'm not too worried about him feeling "forgotten about" in the midst of all this baby drama.

Speaking of baby drama...

I got a stubborn baby boy in here who's 

not turning head down.

At 37 weeks and roughly 8lbs 

this isn't the most ideal situation to be in...

We're doing everything we can at home to encourage him to turn and we meet with our OB on Thursday to kind of 

talk about our options. 

It's hard to birth a baby the natural way if their head is in your side so...

who knows what's going to happen.

Overall, I'm ok with it all. 

I'm much more go with the flow this time around than I have been in the past. If there's anything I can do to avoid a 

c-section and medicine, trust me I'll do it, but at this point it kinda feels out of my hands.

I've been stressing, and working, and trying so hard to turn him down and I just realized the other day it's ultimately up to him. There's some crazy reason why he hasn't turned and I'm ok with that. Baby's are way smarter than we give them credit for. So I'm just going to try and trust him, and make the best, most educated decisions I can...probably while crying the whole time because my hormones are crazy out of control, but ya know...I'll be sobbing happy tears I guess.

I'm really looking forward to fall...

I usually go through a phase like this every year, but this year the longing is for reals. For. REALS.

I'm just ready for cooler weather, annnnd most of all not being pregnant. It's no secret this pregnancy has been hard, and I feel like there's still so much of it to come (not knowing what the heck this baby is going to do or how he will make his way into this crazy world), so I'm just taking it day by day and look forward to when he finally gets here and we can enjoy pumpkin-y things, chubby newborn legs, trick or treating, and so much more this season has to offer us...

We bought our first baby pumpkins at the farmers market...

unbelievably cute. :)

I'll be trying to update more, and you know of course I'll post when he comes and a birth story and all of that jazz...thanks for being patient with me friends. :) 


xoxo,
Heather

My thoughts on potty training...

Hi, my name is Heather...

and I am a failure at potty training.

I recently went through my third (techinally fourth) go 'round of potty training. And it didn't go well.

When it comes to potty training 

I feel like I have tried everything.

I've tried the 3 day method, 

the 1 day method,

the "waiting 'til their ready" thought process,

the "when they show interest run with it" ideaology,

and the "put 'em in pull-ups and hope they get it" trick.

None of these have worked.

I feel like there's all this pressure these days to have your baby potty trained by (or before) their second birthday and millions upon bajillions of mommy blogs that tell you how they had little Suzy potty trained before she could even say the word "pee pee".

So of course, with all three of my children I did my best to have them potty trained at two.

Whether it was because I was tired of buying diapers,

or they kept getting bad rashes so I thought, "heck, just take away the diapers and you get no more rash, right?!"

or even when they show all the signs for being ready for potty training, it still. doesn't. work.

I've come to a couple of conclusions about this 

recently that I thought I'd share. 

So if you are a potty trainer failure like myself,

or you're wondering if it's the right time to start 

here are my two pitiful cents:

1. I am a chill mom. I don't really make my kids do anything.

Yeah, when the playroom is out of control, I get them to clean it up, and they clean up after themselves at mealtime, but I don't force chores upon them. I don't make them share (most of the time they are just willing to), I don't really enforce any certain activities or behavior.

(sidenote: more on this style of parenting to come)

So how does forcing them to go potty make any sense? 

Honestly, I think it straight up confuses them.

We try to run our house in a manner where everyone, including the kids, have a voice.

So when the timer goes off, and we run to the potty, I have a hard time making them sit there.

Yeah, yeah I try to sing songs and all that, but seriously, if you were watching your favorite show, or reading an enthralling book and some timer went off out of no where and someone forced you to leave what you were doing and go sit in a corner somewhere and sing about a bus with wheels that go 'round and 'round...you'd be pissed too right?

Especially if this was a new thing.

Like normally you get to do whatever you want (within reason) and nobody messes with you and then all of a sudden this happens. Yeah, this makes no sense to me, so why am I making my kids do it?

Another aspect of potty training I struggle with is water.

I'm a water drinker.

Especially at night.

I find it extremely cruel to tell them they can't have water at night. 

I get thirsty, are they not allowed to get thirsty?

I think a good nights sleep with a pull-up on is way more helpful than a kid who gets up four times a night but keeps their pants dry.

Train playing is serious stuff...why stop to go potty?!

2. So I have a tendency to talk to my kids like human beings.

Even when they are babies and toddlers.

And I don't care who you are...you could be the worlds most amazing teacher/mother/witch/sorcerer in all the land and sometimes there are kids who don't talk or communicate well before the age of three.

Yeah, they say words and stuff, but they kinda don't have the ability to give you major trains of thought.

So when my 2 year old hears the timer for potty go off and she just starts running away, screaming, "no thank you! no thank you!" I can't really fault her on that.

What's she gonna say, 

"Mom, I'd rather not stop what I'm doing for a potty break, and I don't understand what these "treats" are because I haven't effectively gone in the potty yet so I don't really think it's worth it to me."

No. She's not going to say that.

Heck, I don't even know if that's what the screaming and running away even means.

So to me, it just makes sense to wait 'til they can effectively tell you what they want, or why they don't want to do what you are asking of them.

"I really like these pretzels and juice mom, 

but I don't know what you want from me."

When I potty trained Quinn for the second time, he was 3.

It wasn't easy by any means, but he definitely understood it better and could tell me his thoughts.

And it still took him 6 more months 

to stop pooping his pants.

3. In the grand scheme of things, I don't really think potty trained kids are that much easier than diapered ones.

Maybe it's just me, and maybe I'm crazy, but when you're in my situation it's really not more convenient. I mean, I've got 3 kids less than three years apart with one on the way.

I'm not getting away from diapers any time soon. 

So whether I have to stop what I'm doing to change a diaper, or wipe a butt on the potty is really no different to me.

---

So by now you probably think I'm crazy, 

but this is just how I see it.

Or at least, this is how my family operates.

I have a 2 year old in diapers.

A 3 year old in pull-ups at nap and night time.

And a 5 year old in pull-ups at night time.

I'm not forcing them to change any time soon. 

And I'm ok with it.

I'm just keepin' it real. 

I think all the moms out there that can get their kids to go in the potty day and night by age 2 are wonderful.

It ain't for me, and I'm good with that!

What's it like at your house?

Have your kids happily potty trained or put up a fight?

Do you think it's worth it or do you wait?

Remember ladies, it's a judgement free zone ;)

Part two of a very long saga.

Last we left off, I had just had major surgery and was slowly recovering...

Now I don't know about you, but for me, when the
 "I'm pregnant" switch goes off in my brain...

it's very hard to turn off.

So all of August, September, and October were constant thoughts of getting pregnant again.
Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds.

I  was actually at peace with what had happened with the miscarriage and knew that between the car accident and IUD, and all that jazz, 
it was just a fluke. Right?

I mean I wasn't happy about it by any means,

but I also didn't feel like it was going to happen again. 

I thought it was a one time deal.

I mean come on...guys...this is me we're talking about here.

I always get pregnant.

And stay pregnant.

And have millions of babies.

(millions being relative obvi.)

So, when the begininning of November came around and I had those symptoms I know all too well,

I was SUPER excited. 

Now even though I was confident about this, one of the worst parts of miscarriage is having to tell people you are, in fact, not pregnant anymore.

Reliving it just isn't fun. As I'm sure you can imagine.

So, I decided to tell a few people and wait as long as possible to tell the rest of the world.

Well, a couple of weeks go by, and my wonderful...amazing...sweetness of a husband, being the awesome father he is, tells...facebook. 

"I was just too excited to hold it in any longer!", he tells me.

I was a little bit upset, because you never know,
 but figure whatevs and move on.

Well, about a week later it all goes to shit.

Pardon my french here, 
but I honestly don't know how else to say it.

I start having the majority of the symptoms of miscarriage, 

except for abdominal pain.
Which is exactly the opposite from last time.

So of course, I keep my hopes up, praying that everything else is just weird side effects from having another baby so close to my surgery.

We go in for an ultrasound a couple of days later 
and there it is.

Clear as day on the monitor.

Emptiness.

Nothing.

No baby.

I'm heartbroken.

I held it together in the office pretty well, 

but mentally I was downward spiraling fast.

Real fast.

The rest of November and all of December was a blur...

I did things.

Had fun.

"Merry Christmas!", blah blah blah.

But I had a really hard time coping with my thoughts and emotions when I was alone.

So I read books.

A lot of books.

And basically escaped my reality as much as possible. 

By this time, 
(after losing two babies) 
I am really jonesing for a baby.
(I know, that sounds weird, move along)

So by January 1st I make a decision.

I'm going to take 3 months, get super healthy, 
and then get pregnant again.

And hopefully this one sticks.

So I am doing paleo and crossfit super hard for about 3 1/2 weeks, 
and then it hits me.

Those same. damn. symptoms.

I'm pregnant.

And I know it. 
I take a pregnancy test out of habit, but I didn't need to.

It wasn't supposed to happen this fast!

I am convinced this is going to turn out badly.

This time I tell a couple of people and vow them all to silence.

I cannot go through this again.

Get pregnant, get my hopes up, tell everyone, 
miscarry, have to re-tell everyone.

Cannot.

So for 18 weeks I worry, and am anxious, and just cannot believe I'm still pregnant.

I just know it's going to end at any moment.

And at my 18 week appointment, I'm almost right.

I walk in like normal, check in like normal,
pee in the cup and weigh in like normal.

I even chat with the midwife and measure. like. normal.

Then she goes in with the doppler to hear the heartbeat.

waiting...waiting...waiting.

Static.

And right then and there I know.
This isn't good.
Don't lose it, don't lose it.

She leaves to get another doppler.
Nothing.

She tracks down a third doppler.
Still nothing.

By this time I can't hold it in anymore.
I'm crying.

She goes on to tell me we need to go to Dr. Bootstaylor's office for an ultrasound just to check on everything,
but "I'm sure it's fine."
Yeah...fine. Right.

But I don't feel like I need to know anything.
I'm sure it's not fine.
I feel like this is all just cruel and unusual punishment.
Am I being punk'd? 
Am I gonna get to meet Ashton?
Can I punch him in his manparts?
Seriously?!

In the hallway, I'm trying to rationalize,
but deep down I'm not confident at all.

Anjli, the midwife who attended Cora's birth,
meets me in the hallway and has clearly 
been briefed on what just happened.
She tells me to not worry until we 
have something to worry about.
Good advice.
I try to tell her I haven't had any symptoms of miscarriage.
She says that's a good sign, but sometimes it can take up to a month to see the signs this late in the pregnancy.
Ok. I appreciate the honesty. I welcome it even.

She offers to use the crappy ultrasound monitor they have in the office, but assures me that it could potentially also be wrong. She tells me that we can do that or wait for the ultrasound at Dr. Bootstaylor's office.

Again, I appreciate the honesty. She's not making any guarantees while still supporting me. 
Exactly what a mother needs. Or at least this mother did.

Now as a little backstory/side note...
My good friend Kellie had just shared this video, (Brene Brown at a Ted Talk Conference) with me a few days before and I loved it.
I had been contemplating how I could live life with more vulnerability, 
like she talks about,
 and all of a sudden it pops into my head.

We found out that the next available ultrasound appointment wasn't until 1:30pm...it was 11:15am. 

So I'm faced with a decision.
Do I take the crappy ultrasound and commit to, 
more than likely, feeling worse?...
or do I choose vulnerability?
Do I choose to just take what I have and be content with it.
I am worthy of a baby. 
Whether it's this baby or the next, I. am. worthy. 
Worrying about it for the next two hours 
isn't going to change that.
Or do I start that downward spiral? Again.

Luckily, I chose vulnerability.
I shaped up and walked out without the crappy ultrasound.

We went to lunch, like normal.
I acted like normal.
And I didn't cry, like a normal person does on a normal day.
I even ate a normal, healthy lunch 
instead of taking my emotions out on food.
(which I often do, unfortunately)

Two hours pass by and we're in the waiting 
area of Dr. Bootstaylor's office.
I'm holding it together kind of and 
am pretty nervous at this point.

We get called back and I lay down,
telling myself over and over,
"It's going to look empty, just like last time.
Don't freak out."

And then there it was.

A baby.

I still held my breath at this point because even though I could see the baby, the ultrasound technician hadn't turned the sound on.
Then she flipped a switch and there it was.
A heart beat.

A healthy, living, thriving baby.

I burst into tears at this point and 
nearly scared the ultrasound tech to death.

She immediately apologized and said she didn't realize I was so worried! 
She said, "I would have turned the sound on right away!"

So much for being calm, cool and collected!

So then she asks if we want to find out the gender of this amazingly alive child and of course I do!

After a bit of searching we come to find out that this baby is 
A C T I V E.

Which would explain why the doppler wasn't picking up the heartbeat. The baby was moving so much that it was literally too hard to catch him.

This makes a me little worried for toddler years, but hey, too much movement is always better than none at all! 

To no surprise at all we find out it's a boy!

We expected this all along, but it's still fun to find out right?

Next we meet with the man himself, Dr. Bootstaylor.
He congratulates us, assures me there is nothing wrong and that his high level of activity was the only problem with finding the heartbeat.

We have a nice chat about babies and vbacs and how we still have nothing to worry about and then he sends us on our way.

Then...we have junk food to celebrate :)

It was a reward for not stuffing my face when I was sad.
That's legit right?

Anyway, later that week we finally decide to tell the rest of the world...


Now I'm not gonna lie, put on a happy face and say I haven't worried ever again since that day.
I worry all the time.
I think that's just what happens after you miscarry.
It's not all-consuming, but it's there.
I'm definitely more cautious this go round and often think about 
"worst case scenario's".
I will not be satisfied until he's healthy, in my arms, 
all ten fingers and toes accounted for.

And I don't think that's a bad thing.
I think things for me could emotionally and mentally be a lot worse. 
So I'm gonna take this one as a win.

I'm also not going to say this has been easy physically.
Boy oh boy, has this been rough.

My body went through a lot and since my body was still trying to literally make more blood when I got pregnant I have had a lot of issues....

No energy. 
(more than normal pregnancy no energy)
Headaches from increased blood flow.
Vitamin D problems. 
(which may or may not be from the surgery, who knows)

But I'm taking it day by day and eagerly await the arrival of 
a healthy baby boy.

Mack Aaron Lutz,
I love you.
I grow to love you more everyday.
And I can't wait to keep loving you 
everyday for the rest of my life. 


-------

Phew! Now that I got all that off my chest...I will now return you to my regularly scheduled blogging. :)

Workouts and recipes and motherhood and music...
I'll still throw in some "nitty gritty" keepin' it real stuff like this, but I think we've had enough for the past few days, dontchathink? 


xoxo,
Heather